So I haven't been 34 very long, just over a couple of months, and I already feel like it's going to be a momentous year.
I had my son just before I turned 34, went through some major PPD, and I am finally feeling normal again.
Here is the kicker, I feel like I have to get up and go now. By this I mean, GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. My hours at work aren't working for my family life anymore. I want to go to school. I want to be in a better financial position. I want this all now. Normally I am a compulsive person, but I can't do that anymore. I have to learn to rein myself in. This is very hard to do, but I have to because A-life isn't letting me impulsive, and B-I have to do what's right by my family, not what's right by me.
So very, hard and very frustrating. I feel stuck, and I hate that feeling, I also hate that I keep having that feeling.
Clearly I need to call my therapist. My poor friend Audrey had to listen to me go on and on yesterday during her lunch hour. Not only did I take up her lunch hour, I have had this conversation with her for most of our adult life, (we have known each other since we were 10).
Anyway, I need to pray more, make lists, and enjoy the ride.....
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, November 9, 2009
finally the birth story
Austin is two months old and I am finally able to post the story.
9/3/09 it began. I woke up at 4:30 am, feeling a lot of pain. I woke Dan up, but we decided that I could hold off. So I took a shower, and went back to sleep. I slept almost the entire day, waking only to eat and go potty. Dan comes home and we go to home depot for some boards to put under the bed. (don't ask, that's another post). So we are waiting for the guy to cut the boards and I am not feeling well at all. Leaning over the cart ect.
We get home and I decide to call the consulting nurse. She of course tells me to head to the hospital. Dan loads up the car with everything. I tell him he is jinxing us because they are going to send us home like they do every time. He just smiled at me an quietly kept loading the car.
We get to Valley, and at this point I am in a lot of pain. The contractions aren't the type that come and go, just a constant pain, cramping. We get to the desk, and there are no nurses available. Every other time I went to triage there were at least two!! Finally a nurse comes and gets me to a room. She directs me to the bathroom to change and do what I have to do. Dan goes with me because I can't stand up straight. He has my purse and is looking for somewhere to put it down, and he figures the sink is the best option. Well it's one of those sinks that turns on automatically, so it drenches my purse. Even tho I think I am going to pass out from the pain, I laugh so hard I almost peed my pants!
So I get hooked up to the monitors, and the nurse calls the Dr. to come in an make an assessment. So we wait for him to get there, and I am uncomfortable as heck.
He comes in and he says. We are going to deliver the baby. Austin is breech so I know that means C-Section. So Dan says, how long till we go to the delivery room. The Dr. says "about a half hour". At this point I am like holy sh**. We haven't called anyone to tell them we are even AT the hospital.
Dan goes racing to the waiting room to call the people on our list. Noelle is the only one to make it before I get wheeled off, this is because she lives like a mile from the hospital.
They give Dan the scrubs to put on and wheel me into the OR. At this point I am crying, mostly because I am terrified of the epidural. I beg and plead for the anesthesiologist to let my husband in because I do not want to do the epi alone. I calmed myself down because I figured the epi would hurt more if I was crying so hard. Turns out the epi wasn't even close to as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Let me tell you it's a weird feeling not being able to feel anything from the waist down. A couple of minutes after getting the epi, I start puking my guts out. To tell you the truth this is the worst part of the experience. I had to turn my head to the side and puke in the tray. The anesthesiologist was great and gave me some anti nausea meds right away.
And so it begins.
They let me know they are going to start, and the next thing I know I am feeling a TON of pressure. Not pain but a TON of pressure. His head was wedged up in my rib cage on the right side. Dan actually looked over the curtain and saw him get pulled out. I was so proud of him because he gets grossed out so easily. So then I see my beautiful son over the curtain and I cry. He is 7lbs 8.5 oz, 18 inches long.
Then they tell me he is not breathing well. He was breathing too shallow. Apparently when babies come down the birth canal a lot of stuff gets pushed out. Anyway they have to take him to the NICU for observation, and Dan has to go with him. Dan could see me from the window so he kept going back and forth. He said later that all of a sudden I wasn't there anymore.
So I get wheeled to my room and my mom, dad, Dan's parents, Noelle and Aud were all waiting for me. I felt out of it, but so so excited. They put these things on my legs to help prevent clotting. It's like a blood pressure cuff for your legs that go off every two minutes. Pain in the ass.
After about an hour I asked the nurse, where my husband and baby were. Just about that time my boys came strolling in. Apparently they were about to admit him to the NICU, when they decided to put the goop in his eyes and he started screaming at the top of his lungs. All was well.
It was an amazing experience. The staff was fantastic. I was in the hospital for two nights, three days.
The last two months have been wonderful, and hard all at the same time. I am so lucky to have a beautiful healthy gorgeous boy. He has the red hair I was hoping for!! He now weighs 12lbs 3 oz.
9/3/09 it began. I woke up at 4:30 am, feeling a lot of pain. I woke Dan up, but we decided that I could hold off. So I took a shower, and went back to sleep. I slept almost the entire day, waking only to eat and go potty. Dan comes home and we go to home depot for some boards to put under the bed. (don't ask, that's another post). So we are waiting for the guy to cut the boards and I am not feeling well at all. Leaning over the cart ect.
We get home and I decide to call the consulting nurse. She of course tells me to head to the hospital. Dan loads up the car with everything. I tell him he is jinxing us because they are going to send us home like they do every time. He just smiled at me an quietly kept loading the car.
We get to Valley, and at this point I am in a lot of pain. The contractions aren't the type that come and go, just a constant pain, cramping. We get to the desk, and there are no nurses available. Every other time I went to triage there were at least two!! Finally a nurse comes and gets me to a room. She directs me to the bathroom to change and do what I have to do. Dan goes with me because I can't stand up straight. He has my purse and is looking for somewhere to put it down, and he figures the sink is the best option. Well it's one of those sinks that turns on automatically, so it drenches my purse. Even tho I think I am going to pass out from the pain, I laugh so hard I almost peed my pants!
So I get hooked up to the monitors, and the nurse calls the Dr. to come in an make an assessment. So we wait for him to get there, and I am uncomfortable as heck.
He comes in and he says. We are going to deliver the baby. Austin is breech so I know that means C-Section. So Dan says, how long till we go to the delivery room. The Dr. says "about a half hour". At this point I am like holy sh**. We haven't called anyone to tell them we are even AT the hospital.
Dan goes racing to the waiting room to call the people on our list. Noelle is the only one to make it before I get wheeled off, this is because she lives like a mile from the hospital.
They give Dan the scrubs to put on and wheel me into the OR. At this point I am crying, mostly because I am terrified of the epidural. I beg and plead for the anesthesiologist to let my husband in because I do not want to do the epi alone. I calmed myself down because I figured the epi would hurt more if I was crying so hard. Turns out the epi wasn't even close to as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Let me tell you it's a weird feeling not being able to feel anything from the waist down. A couple of minutes after getting the epi, I start puking my guts out. To tell you the truth this is the worst part of the experience. I had to turn my head to the side and puke in the tray. The anesthesiologist was great and gave me some anti nausea meds right away.
And so it begins.
They let me know they are going to start, and the next thing I know I am feeling a TON of pressure. Not pain but a TON of pressure. His head was wedged up in my rib cage on the right side. Dan actually looked over the curtain and saw him get pulled out. I was so proud of him because he gets grossed out so easily. So then I see my beautiful son over the curtain and I cry. He is 7lbs 8.5 oz, 18 inches long.
Then they tell me he is not breathing well. He was breathing too shallow. Apparently when babies come down the birth canal a lot of stuff gets pushed out. Anyway they have to take him to the NICU for observation, and Dan has to go with him. Dan could see me from the window so he kept going back and forth. He said later that all of a sudden I wasn't there anymore.
So I get wheeled to my room and my mom, dad, Dan's parents, Noelle and Aud were all waiting for me. I felt out of it, but so so excited. They put these things on my legs to help prevent clotting. It's like a blood pressure cuff for your legs that go off every two minutes. Pain in the ass.
After about an hour I asked the nurse, where my husband and baby were. Just about that time my boys came strolling in. Apparently they were about to admit him to the NICU, when they decided to put the goop in his eyes and he started screaming at the top of his lungs. All was well.
It was an amazing experience. The staff was fantastic. I was in the hospital for two nights, three days.
The last two months have been wonderful, and hard all at the same time. I am so lucky to have a beautiful healthy gorgeous boy. He has the red hair I was hoping for!! He now weighs 12lbs 3 oz.
Friday, September 18, 2009
frustration
I know that I have blogged Austin's birth story yet, and I will. I just have something else to get off of my chest.
Work.
So as you know I went on bed rest on 7/16. I had Austin on 9/3. I let HR know the situation and it turns I out I am a whopping 56 hours short so I am NOT eligable for FMLA. My HR response was if I thought that I wouldn't be eligable I should have made other arrangements.
HOW IN THE HELL WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT I WOULDN"T BE ELIGABLE. Are you kidding me?????????????????????????
If I had known that it was 56 hours, I would have figured out how to plant my fat ass at work somehow. If I was eligable I would be able to stay home for up to 16 weeks after my 8 weeks of maternity disability.
On top of that the HR rep has been oh so great. She was great up until I clarified some things. She then said "perhaps I got confused when I went on bed rest".
I feel like I am being punished for doing the right thing and making sure my child came into this world healthy.
I am in tears because I am so frustrated.
So now I have to go back to work on 10/29. Which I realize is still more than a month away but I am so sad. I mean we can really afford for me to be off that much longer anyway, but this really fucking sucks. I did everything I was supposed to, dr notes, was proactive, everything. I am so not a proactive person to begin with.
So now I am trying to focus on the positives, although every day that goes by I don't see much that is positive.
I do thank god that my son is healthy and growing. He is beautiful and I love him so much.
I am lucky to have a great husband, and parents, and in laws. I am lucky to have a job.
So I am trying not to have a pity party, but man this is soooooooooo hard.
Work.
So as you know I went on bed rest on 7/16. I had Austin on 9/3. I let HR know the situation and it turns I out I am a whopping 56 hours short so I am NOT eligable for FMLA. My HR response was if I thought that I wouldn't be eligable I should have made other arrangements.
HOW IN THE HELL WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT I WOULDN"T BE ELIGABLE. Are you kidding me?????????????????????????
If I had known that it was 56 hours, I would have figured out how to plant my fat ass at work somehow. If I was eligable I would be able to stay home for up to 16 weeks after my 8 weeks of maternity disability.
On top of that the HR rep has been oh so great. She was great up until I clarified some things. She then said "perhaps I got confused when I went on bed rest".
I feel like I am being punished for doing the right thing and making sure my child came into this world healthy.
I am in tears because I am so frustrated.
So now I have to go back to work on 10/29. Which I realize is still more than a month away but I am so sad. I mean we can really afford for me to be off that much longer anyway, but this really fucking sucks. I did everything I was supposed to, dr notes, was proactive, everything. I am so not a proactive person to begin with.
So now I am trying to focus on the positives, although every day that goes by I don't see much that is positive.
I do thank god that my son is healthy and growing. He is beautiful and I love him so much.
I am lucky to have a great husband, and parents, and in laws. I am lucky to have a job.
So I am trying not to have a pity party, but man this is soooooooooo hard.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
36 weeks
Well folks I have made it to 36 weeks. I go to the Dr. this afternoon, I will be going off of my anti contraction meds. I have been contracting the whole time, so now it's about how intense it's going to be. I made another trip to the L&D on Sunday evening. I was having pain that I hadn't had before and lower than before. It was the first time that I really thought they might take him. I say take him because he is still breach.
I am up at the crack of dawn today, usually I wake up with my husband and I am able to go back to sleep. Today, not so much. I have a headache this morning, which I had last night. I also have a ton on my mind. I have decided not to fight it, I can always take a nap later. My list of things to do is growing by leaps and bounds.
Sen. Kennedy died last night, sad to me. I hope the democrats continue to stay strong, lord knows we need it. What a year already for people passing. Weird to think that my son will be born in the same year that all of these influential people passed.
My sister came in yesterday, she is here for a week. It's always good to see her, we miss her here. I do envy her sometimes, single, independent, living in another city. It is kinda sad to me that she won't be here when Austin is growing up, that being said, I am very sure she will be his favorite auntie :)
I will post more after my Dr. appointment. Until then, here's to crossing things off of my list!!!
I am up at the crack of dawn today, usually I wake up with my husband and I am able to go back to sleep. Today, not so much. I have a headache this morning, which I had last night. I also have a ton on my mind. I have decided not to fight it, I can always take a nap later. My list of things to do is growing by leaps and bounds.
Sen. Kennedy died last night, sad to me. I hope the democrats continue to stay strong, lord knows we need it. What a year already for people passing. Weird to think that my son will be born in the same year that all of these influential people passed.
My sister came in yesterday, she is here for a week. It's always good to see her, we miss her here. I do envy her sometimes, single, independent, living in another city. It is kinda sad to me that she won't be here when Austin is growing up, that being said, I am very sure she will be his favorite auntie :)
I will post more after my Dr. appointment. Until then, here's to crossing things off of my list!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
weekly update
Had my weekly appointment with my OB. I have been contracting since Sunday, even with my pills. So I go in, get strapped down. She gave me the option of going to the hospital or going home and waiting it out. So I chose to go home. I hate my reaction to the shot they give me.
After next week I will be off of the pills, the Dr. said that she suspects my contractions will continue to get stronger.
Austin is still breach, which I knew because his head is wedged in my right side. So she is going to monitor that for the next few weeks to see if he will turn. If he doesn't turn, automatic C-Section. So today she said that she is going to schedule the C-Section for 39 weeks, so the OR is available,ect ect.
Information overload today. I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious all week and this certainly help. The good news is Dan and I will have a plan B, which is good.
We do have excercises to help the baby turn, so we shall see. I don't know if I think he will, he seems to like his home wedged into my right side :)
Until next Wednesday.....
After next week I will be off of the pills, the Dr. said that she suspects my contractions will continue to get stronger.
Austin is still breach, which I knew because his head is wedged in my right side. So she is going to monitor that for the next few weeks to see if he will turn. If he doesn't turn, automatic C-Section. So today she said that she is going to schedule the C-Section for 39 weeks, so the OR is available,ect ect.
Information overload today. I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious all week and this certainly help. The good news is Dan and I will have a plan B, which is good.
We do have excercises to help the baby turn, so we shall see. I don't know if I think he will, he seems to like his home wedged into my right side :)
Until next Wednesday.....
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I just have to put my 2 cents out there
So I have been watching (minimally) all the rage, and I mean literal rage, over health care reform. Since I haven't been paying close attention, as I don't want to get too rilled up, I maybe misinformed on a few things. HOWEVER, I don't understand the rage.
Why is it that I should be mad about everyone in this country having health care. It seems very logical to me. Do they plant lobbyists and insurance company reps at these town hall meetings, because it seems to me they are the one's who are going to be pissed. We already pay out the a** for insurance because people go to the ER who don't have insurance and then they can't pay the bills so they hospital writes them off. Who do you think foots the bill for that, you and I. It's going to cost us all of our appendages, and why? Because we couldn't get off our a** 20 YEARS AGO and do something about it.
To me, health care should be something that you get the moment you are born. When my baby is born I am going to have to add him to mine, and pay for him. Which is fine because I am one of the lucky one's who has a job that pays for my insurance. It's not the greatest insurance but something is better than nothing. It is easy to sit in a cocoon and say I have it so I shouldn't have to worry about other people having it. Well someday I just might not have it, and then what??
Working in medicine has enlightened me in some ways. I am no longer naive about how it works. It is not about taking care of people, it's making sure that you make money off of every patient that walks through that door. Why is that? Because somehow insurance companies, and drug companies got all of the power. Take the f*in power away.
So the government will run it, which yes is scary, but to me so are the alternatives. For those who say it will be like Canada and you can't get an MRI for ten years, so you either die from that cancer, or you go to the states to get treated. I say don't you think we see what goes on elsewhere and maybe, just maybe, we will learn from this??? Have a little faith. I can see why we don't have faith in our government, but look who ran the government for the last 8 years? There is a new sheriff in town, and I have faith in him.
So I say stop the rage, get to work and figure it out. For our children's sake, so they don't have to have this particular argument. Believe me I am sure there will be a lot of different arguments for them ahead.
Ok, I just fell off of my soapbox :)
Why is it that I should be mad about everyone in this country having health care. It seems very logical to me. Do they plant lobbyists and insurance company reps at these town hall meetings, because it seems to me they are the one's who are going to be pissed. We already pay out the a** for insurance because people go to the ER who don't have insurance and then they can't pay the bills so they hospital writes them off. Who do you think foots the bill for that, you and I. It's going to cost us all of our appendages, and why? Because we couldn't get off our a** 20 YEARS AGO and do something about it.
To me, health care should be something that you get the moment you are born. When my baby is born I am going to have to add him to mine, and pay for him. Which is fine because I am one of the lucky one's who has a job that pays for my insurance. It's not the greatest insurance but something is better than nothing. It is easy to sit in a cocoon and say I have it so I shouldn't have to worry about other people having it. Well someday I just might not have it, and then what??
Working in medicine has enlightened me in some ways. I am no longer naive about how it works. It is not about taking care of people, it's making sure that you make money off of every patient that walks through that door. Why is that? Because somehow insurance companies, and drug companies got all of the power. Take the f*in power away.
So the government will run it, which yes is scary, but to me so are the alternatives. For those who say it will be like Canada and you can't get an MRI for ten years, so you either die from that cancer, or you go to the states to get treated. I say don't you think we see what goes on elsewhere and maybe, just maybe, we will learn from this??? Have a little faith. I can see why we don't have faith in our government, but look who ran the government for the last 8 years? There is a new sheriff in town, and I have faith in him.
So I say stop the rage, get to work and figure it out. For our children's sake, so they don't have to have this particular argument. Believe me I am sure there will be a lot of different arguments for them ahead.
Ok, I just fell off of my soapbox :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
just a routine visit
So I went to the Dr. today for my weekly visit. She asked me if I felt like I was contracting, and I said I wasn't sure. She decided to put me on the monitor to check, and sure enough I was contracting pretty frequently. She then checked my cervix which has thinned but not dilated. So then she told me to get to the hospital now. So my mother in law (who took me to the appt at 7:30 am, bless her) drove me to Valley. Meanwhile I am talking to my husband to let him know what was going on. So we get to the hospital and I get hooked up, get the super fun shot that makes me shake uncontrollably and gives me a wicked headache, and the contractions stopped.
Dr. Glover said that I need to hold on 2 more weeks, and to quote "it won't be a disaster if the baby comes". So we just need to hang on two more weeks. I really don't believe I will go early. There are plenty of women out there that contract, only to see their due date come and go. My husband is convinced, along with my work wife, that I will go early. My sister called me and she said it would be ok with her to have him around the 22nd of this month, since she will be here on the 25th for a week long visit. We shall see, he was breach at last ultrasound, he needs to turn in the right direction.
Otherwise we are all good on the home front. Our birthing classes are this weekend, I am excited to learn more. Mama Stortini's moved to Kent Station, so I might get a date after our class on Saturday:)
I am feeling much more positive, and I am confident that the baby is ok, so whatever happens from here will be alright.
Dr. Glover said that I need to hold on 2 more weeks, and to quote "it won't be a disaster if the baby comes". So we just need to hang on two more weeks. I really don't believe I will go early. There are plenty of women out there that contract, only to see their due date come and go. My husband is convinced, along with my work wife, that I will go early. My sister called me and she said it would be ok with her to have him around the 22nd of this month, since she will be here on the 25th for a week long visit. We shall see, he was breach at last ultrasound, he needs to turn in the right direction.
Otherwise we are all good on the home front. Our birthing classes are this weekend, I am excited to learn more. Mama Stortini's moved to Kent Station, so I might get a date after our class on Saturday:)
I am feeling much more positive, and I am confident that the baby is ok, so whatever happens from here will be alright.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
